Just like that

I used to think writing is one thing I can do whenever I feel like..when I am down, writing my diary gave me solace, when I was happy my diary gave me companionship in joy.
But now, I just dont seem to think of writing. My diary lies abandoned long back, I thought I might use this blog to give way to my feelings. But even that is seldom.

Wondering what the reason could be? Lost interest in writing, or generally lost interest in anything worthwhile?

Maybe lost the belief that there is beauty in everything..
I guess this is a phase...and this shall pass too :)

My Teacher

Yesterday I got to know that my kathak dance teacher , Shri Madhukar Anand, expired of liver cancer.
He was a young man, must be 39-40.

After I heard this, something broke inside. Something which I held so dear to me, something very core to my being.

It was as if a part of my childhood , my adolescence, my youth, was cut off from me.

I still remember the first time I met him, a shy sweet looking guy with a smile lurking around his lips.
I was new to the class, all of 10 years, did not know if I would fit into the class, did not know whether my mom's assesment of my dancing abilities were true. (My mom had put 3 of us into dancing and singing, thinking we had the talent).

He had asked a set of girls (including me and my 2 sisters) to do some steps and very hesitantly, but with concentration, I tried emulating him. After we all repeated after him, he pointed at me and said "She is doing it perfectly"...
Cant explain what I felt that time. It was that deciding moment when I thought that I wanted to learn dance for as long as I could. And I wanted him as my teacher.
I still remember that moment so clearly..after 24 years!


He was a dancer with tremendous potential. Very few male dancers can dance so gracefully and elegantly and carry themselves, the way he did.
A charming person, non-exhibitionist, humble with a terrific sense of humour.
A very affable person, whom one could get to like instantly...curly hair, disarming smile, good looking..

We would be practicing for some program, and then break into splits cos of his funny comments on someone dancing vaguely. My younger sis, Belu, also used to be butt of his jokes. She was a bad dancer, very thin and gawky at that time. He used to say she dances like Amitabh Bachchan :)

I used to look forward to my dance classes all through the week. Looked forward to learn dance, to explore my capability, to be appreciated and admonished by him. And if for some reason, he wasnt there for any class, I would be so listless, as if the entire week had gone to waste.

Sometimes in the class, he would call me aside,ask me to stand in the front and do some tukda, to show to the class. Then he would tell them "This is called elegance and delicacy. I want all of you to do it with this grace".
My heart swelled, my eyes shone, I felt light...and fell in love with him for making me feel so special and unique, for letting me know my own capabilities.
His saying "She is my favorite student", is something I treasure as one of the most valuable things in my life.

After 6 years of association, we went our ways. He went to Delhi, to learn from Pt. Birju Maharaj and I started concentrating on studies and career aspirations.
I met him once in between, during my studies , and he told me "If you had concentrated on dance, you would have been a great dancer". But probably I did not have the guts to puruse a career which was uncertain.

Then he got married and our dance institute held a program to felicitate him. I performed and he came backstage to give me a 100 rupee note and said "I could not believe you could emote so well".

So many times during all these years I thought of meeting him again, dancing and knowing from him if I have bettered or worsened. I kept imagining how will it be to see him again..and now I would never get to see him!
Fills me with a strange feeling of loss and hollowness..wish one could act quicker than life, cos people just go...leaving behind a sense of "never again"..

I know that we did not keep in touch for 15 years or so, and his passing away does not make any difference in my day to day life...but there are certain people who are icons in one's life, someone you look upto, someone with whom you associate some of your very fond memories and they become an intergral part of your life.

I dont know how important I was to him, but he was such a person for me. A shining, smiling figure..

RIght here...right now!

Someone asked me today..what is it that you want right now..the most!
I said..nothing..just a that wish nothing changes
I continue to be as helathy as today...as beautiful as today
I am attracted towards someone..and someone finds me attractive
he calls many times a day..and we have something going all the time
this euphioria doesnt die..it never gets old..and eveyrthing is EXACTLY as it is right now!
Can that be granted..small wish isnt it?:)

It is never the same

"aapki ki yaad aati rahi raat bhar...chashme nam muskurati rahi raat bhar..
Raat bhar dard ki shama jalti rahi...gham ki lau thartharati rahi raat bhar"

right now this song is playing in the background..and a thought struck me...its never the same again..
each year,each person, each moment...takes away a part of you..and you are never the same..



They say...time is the best healer..but time also cant make up for the "you" lost...Its just never ever the same

when the time is there..when the person is there..you dont seem to value it..you are angry about something..sick of somehting..and just want all of it to end...

But oblivious of your angry self..the softer part in you is scared...scared that what you feel now, will never be felt again..what you wish now..will be dreaded some other time...


People have thier ways of dealing with pain and hurt..some dont want to think about it, some want to lose themselves in something so as not to worry...and some, like me, dwell over it..shred it apart..take it inside your heart, churn it, till it becomes a part of you..

Then it doesnt hurt that much...

Wish there was a magical wand..which could just undo everything..everything would have been the same...

I would smile at the world with the same exuberance of a 16 year old..love as I loved with every part of me...cry without being ashamed of it...

And then everything would be the same..the scars healed and heart rejuvenated
If only!

To Gulzar...with love

Gulzar is one lyricist whose lyrics have always enchanted me...right from my childohood

This one from "Kitaab"..."master jee ki aa gayi chitthi..chitthi mein se nikali billi"..loved hearing this song as a kid..fascinated by play of words...which dint have much meaning though..maybe thats why it was so much fun to memorize it


And as I grew..my idea of romance and love were so so besotted by his words..

"hamne dekhi hai in aankhon ki mehakti khushboo"...the idea of eyes having a fragrance was so intriguing..its as if the deeper senses within me were given apt words by him

and then "shaamen bujhane aati hain raaten...raaten bujhane tum aa gaye ho"...fills the heart with such a sweet feeling...inexplicable..wish I were him to be able to name this sweet feeling


Some of my other favorites:
"pahle se likha kuch bhi nahin..roj naya kuch likhti hai tu..jo bhi likha hai dil se kiya hai..yeh lamha filhaal jee lene de" - for someone like me, who lives in moments..and dies in them too..this is so apt!

"baadlon se kaat kaat ke..kagazon mein naam jodna..yeh mujhe kya ho gaya"--i wish someone sung this for me...

"khamosh sa afsana...paani pe likha hota..na tumne kaha hota...na humen suna hota" - for that unsaid unspoken love..a gay abandon in the words

"kya bhala hai kya bura..ho sake to jala dil jala" - another one from libaas..dont know why but feels very close to my heart

"sili hawa choo gayi...tumse mili jo jindagi, humne abhi boyi nahin" - romance accentuated by Lata's haunting voice..always created a pic in front of me...took me to sea side..beautiful breeze..hair blown away in carelessness...and lonely moon looking down at me

"bechara dil kya kare..saawan jale bhado jale" - as a kid I used to sing this song a lot..dint understand the meaning though..just the word "bechara" sounded fun so liked the song..but now I love the song for its simplicity..child like innocence...and depth

"Aapki aankhon mein kuch mehke hue se raaj hain" - As a teenager, I would stand in front of the mirror and imagine that my eyes were as myterious as the song's description

"Aajkal paon jameen par nahin padte mere..bolo dekha hai kabhi tumne mujhe udate hue" - This song always makes one feel the euphoria of new found love..when one is floating in air..gliding past days and nights in a sweet intoxication...at least I used to :)

I never seem to do justice to his works..there are way too many songs which have been with me all these years...maybe when I again feel motivated enough..would take some more of his songs


Thank you Gulzaar..for defining love and and pain...
giving us less mortals something to be happy about..even in sadness
for making my adolescence full of dreams..
And also corrupting it :) (Cos till date I look for someone who would say
"tum pukaar lo...tumhara intezaar hai")


You remind me of a time lost..an old world charm...retained in your white kurta..and that lilting voice of yours...which takes me far away...to my world


PS- my sis lived in a house bang opposite to yours in pali hills....and me and my mom would hang at our window to stare at you whenever you came in your balcony..we could see you in your kurta..working on something..and I would always wonder whats going on in your mind right now..are you thinking of someone..or writing a letter to a beloved :)

You said..dont love me..we are very differnet...
And I thought..Its sad..but I cant love some one like me ever

Dont know what it is

She dint know what it was..the new found haterd for him, or the earlier affection..which caused this uneasiness in the heart..
Or was it her whole premise of love which stifled her..caught her unawares..anytime
While she was travelling..or busy with some thing important..
It hit her..and she would get lost
Lost as a little girl..as she used to be earlier
Scared of ghosts..scared of dark..scared of love?
Took one step forward and then two steps back...
cos that one step taken dint land her anywhere
Reach out with child like eager..and then recoil..
To realize that what she wanted is not what she should have
She hears someone say "I love you"..but doesn't feel a thing...cos love doesnt come easy
She loves to hate and hates to love...

So I ask her to delete all pictures as well..from the canvas of her heart
I tell her not think of a moment..when she loved his cologone..
When all she wanted was to hug him and make him feel wanted
A moment when his face was bent on hers..and all she could see in this whole world was him...nothing else..absolutely nothing

She will forget..so will he... She will hate him..so will he...She would have regrets...so will he!
Is it how its supposed to be in the end?

Then guess let her have no beginnings...