The abundance

I have always been the kind of person who gives in to excess..
Excess of everything..be it food..be it love..be it hurt..be it pain!

I always do things in excess of what is required..what is right..what is healthy

I remember as a kid, I used to have these bad stomach aches and vomiting sessions..but even then(As my father tells me many times), I would be doubling with pain and nausea..walking bent down like an old woman..but would ask someone "Pass me one more paratha" :)

Because I knew..sooner or later I am going to puke the whole thing out..in-spite of the paratha"..so why not enjoy the last morsel till I can no longer take :)
This actually continues till date, the nausea and my overeating

And the same rule applied to any other sphere of my life..
When I love..I know no bounds..be it family..or friends..or that someone special!
I know it might hurt later..I might feel dejected..but I continue with this sole feeling..let me have the best till it lasts...

And when I hate..I am only short of murdering the person!

And with that..life comes to its full circle :)

Now..if you ask me..is it wrong on my part..do I need to change..will I actively make and effort to?

The answer my friends is..No..even if in the end..I am the one getting the brunt of it all..I am not the one who can change this.

When God made me this way..he might have had some purpose :)

Do I know you...

The new me and the new you
Do we know each other?

Was it you...or was it my creation
Was it you..as it existed for me
Special..beautiful...genuine and love-able?

Did you have to be all that...and draw me to U..
And then make me realize..it was all a fiction?


I don't know..I don't need to

But what I do know is....you are not someone I should have known
You are not someone...I should have loved
You were not what I began to look for

Yet..I found you
In ways..neither you or I can figure out why..

You took me to a height..and then dropped me into an abyss
You cant try pulling me back so many times..I don't resurrect always

I wish I had vertigo..to be scared of even an attempt to reach that height!
But what I do have is - self-destructive instincts
Which makes me want you..again and again!

Whats with infants

I don't know what is it about me and infants..
I just cant get away from them..specially if they are from my family

Right now I am with my sis and her son..and all the time I feel like holding him
His smell is something I cant explain..
Its like a magnet..and I kiss him so many times!





The way he looks around in amazement.the way he twitches his eyebrows or moves his mouth
All that he does..is so engrossing for me!

I wish he understood how much I adore him..but I don't think he has any such notion

when I hold him..I want him to know he is so very dear to me..but I don't think the message gets across
And it exasperates me!

I try to reason it in my mind..my fascination for a new-born
Is it the innocence..or the fresh smell of milk around their mouth..or just the blood relation?

But there are some unanswered questions in my mind about them;
1. They kick their legs and hands all through the day, still dont develop any biceps?
2. They suddenly cry in their sleep, what exactly are they dreaming of?Past life?
3. They laugh at times when you speak to them..whats going on in their mind

I don't think even doctors have an answer to all this..
We can just guess and make a theory around it..but truth lies with these tiny ones..its their beautiful secret world where we elders have no entry into :)

Ma

I dont think I can love anyone or anything more than you Ma
I just learnt that you have got ostoe arthritis
And I have been thinking how to alleviate this pain from you

I am sorry Ma if I shouted at you..cos I dint know what else to do
I am sorry if I am not as you might have wanted me to be..the docile daughter

But if you are not there with me..there is a void nothing in this world can fill
However much I get irritated with you..and shout at you
your sweet face and mannerisms..haunt me when you are not with me

I will do anything to be with you and keep you happy
But just that when you are with me..I turn into this extremely nasty person
Guess I can do it only with you...

Today in the morning you called me and were trying to explain something to me
And as usual I lost my patience and asked you to hurry up
You still continued in that sweet tone of yours..which makes me feel like a monster later

Do you remember all the times we had together
Some of the days just flash in front of my eyes..

I must have been 4-5 years old..and was riding a tricycle
You were busy cleaning clothes and seemed totally tired of it
I came to you and said..Ma where do you want to go..I will take you away from this work..you smiled and said anywhere..and kissed my forehead...
I dont know if you recall this..but I do..cos I felt..you saw in me something I dint know about myself

There are many such defining moments..but not enough words to express them

I dont know what will I be..if I dont have you in my life

To my sweetest Ma! I love you!

In rememberence

She feels like a parody of herself
trying to get the same exuberance back..which existed so naturally in her
trying to sing the same songs..which played on her lips all the time

She forgot how her eyes gleamed
how her foot danced
how her heart sang...the melody was long forgotten
But not so long maybe..she sometimes can still hear the reminiscent sounds

The head tilts the same way at times
The coquettish-ness comes back to her

Wooing the world..wooing herself..
Wooing the mystery that was her!

To my niece

Addu, you are growing up..so fast that at times I fear it.
I don't know when this change happened in you,it seemed all so sudden
It was as if one fine day your tone changed, your interests changed

That pause in your talks..the usual chirpiness going down
You are just 6, but sometimes makes me feel you know everything

All of us here, who speak to you on the phone, try to give names to this sudden change in you, Belu mausi and naai ma thought you are sad..well maturity sure is a sad thing :)

Your making excuses for not having much time to talk to us, cos you had so many friends waiting..makes me envious..and I can feel you are slipping away

I fear that when I see you next, you wont cling on to me as you used to, you wont die to dance with me, you wont remember the small things about me, which you usually do and keep reminding me...things I never noticed

And it will be me,left remembering all that again and again...

Just a few days back, when I was fighting with you on phone and called you "Advita", you gave your usual shy laughter and said "No, call me Addu"..my heart reached out to you..and I wished that you never ever change

At times you message me(dont know how you manage to) and send me "I lave you Sumi muase"...and I start fighting with you again..as if we are lovers :) Yet I save those messages..dont know why..as if to re-affirm it later to myself..or to show you later if you ever forget me...or just as a memento..

I know change is inevitable, but a part of me wishes..you never grow up!

Aamir Khan!

He was kind of my first love..when I was 14 I guess..well I had few crushes before that..but he was the big one!
QSQT was released and all my dreams of a perfect man were given new meanings with this new chocolate guy..Aamir Khan
He seemed so sincere..and hot and perfect!
He was someone, anyone could fall in love with!
And so did I....

I was so totally besotted by him..so much so that I would save all my pocket money to buy any film magazine which had the smallest possible article on him

There was a book shop called "Books En Amee" in Patna, which I used to cross daily while going to school..and drop in every day to see if any new magazine had any picture of him on any of its pages..and if it had..I calculated the amount to save to buy that magazine!
This was my level of madness for him...

And I was sure..one day am gonna meet him..he will fall in love with me as much..and we will get married..there was no other way about it!

Then came out the news that this guy was secretly married to someone called Reena Dutta..a case of inter-religion marriage which involved elopement..
And I was devastated..my dreams crashed..all at 14!!

I dint know what to do..who to ask the truth behind this rumour..and if he would consider remarriage with me! Plus he was some 9-10 years elder to me...

My younger sis, Belna, was my confidant and ..sort of..my tail(she will hit me if she reads this) and she loved what I loved

We both had memorized all dialogues from QSQT and would see this movie umpteen times and giggle at it every single time
So, she was the 1st person I spoke about my broken heart and failed marriage dreams...
And we both came up with a plan like this :-
We will write a letter to him asking the truth about his marriage..and assure him that we are not journalists so that he feels free in telling us the truth...

And I got his address from somewhere and began my letter

Then came along the spoil-sport..my elder sis..who was forever the more matured sorts..
She went straight and told our father that we were writing a letter to Aamir khaan and my father came and tore it in pieces...and said "Go and concentrate on your studies..such nonsense can happen later"

I was heart broken...dishevelled..and cried my eyes out...I was in love!

Now when I think back..all I can do is scron..cos I dont like Aamin anymore..not even one bit
The fact that he divorced his wife of 18 years (with 2 kids) to marry someone so ugly as Kiran rao..was beyond me
I despised him then..and more so,with each of his movies
He has becomes so predictable and annoying with his acting and expressions!

I saw 3 idiots..though I liked the movie...Aamir was quite irritating!
I know its cool for guys to cry..but cry all the time for no reason?? how cool is that?
Your friends get a job and you start crying?
This crying business has to stop or else he can go out of business

This movie had so many flaws but at the end of it..you come out happy..cos it has a feel-good factor..

But Aamir..you disappointed me like nobody's business :(