Maashi....Chocate

You omit the L's and R's
Chocolate is "chocate" and rain is "ane"
And I love saying it the way you do

"Broom" is for some reason "baate" for you
And we sisters also sometimes refer to it as "baate", in our conversations :)
You kids have a strange way of getting into elders brain

But gradually I see you correcting your words now..
I feel the pride, but at the same time some god-forsaken sorrow creeps in
"Cream" is still "Cheem" for you...as yet...hope you never get it right

My sweet valentine this year
तू जिगर दा टुकड़ा ,you are my शोना शोना मुखड़ा

Yet again thoughts of love were on my mind..and the whys which go with it

How much of negativity can a person spread with words and how much of it can one take?
I look for love around, but there is so much of un-love swarming around me that I get back to being my wrong self
In words, in actions, in disapprovals and indifference..there is just too much of un-love sitting around the corner to grab you
Its like some people are out there to jinx all your happiness, even from a distance they can cast a spell, like voo-doo, like black magic

But no, hush, I had love in my mind today..of discourses over coffee or wine in a secluded bar, wishing to be in a stupor
Of my eva-de-clogne minglign with someone's musk
Of a season of the mind which is like reckless new year celebration on goan streets

Love is a state of mind, its a point in you, a point to the center of your being

You can love someone only when you are at peace with yourself,
When you are like that piece of cotton which can absorb everything, ever giving and ever receiving

But when you love cos you are disturbed or not in love with yourself, then you are actually trying to run away from yourself...diving into another person.
You can never love in a disturbed state of your mind, cos then you are actually unloving yourself, in the process of loving someone else
And an un-love for yourself never lasts...it can become an obsession..but never love. So when the other person does not love you back, you start taking out layers off that person, robbing him/her of all adornments you made that person shine with earlier. But its not so much peeling off layers from that person , as much about your loathing for your own weakness, which you realise with time. You are just removing shards of your own personality by owing or disowning things in another

So what do we see in another when we love?
Apart from all those desired qualities you seek in a person: viz honesty, integrity and all that crap, one thing I have heard most from people(and I say it too) is that sense of humor is something which can keep 2 people glued together.

But then is it just about the person's ability to make you laugh? Well, in that case one can go and watch a really cool comedy movie, isnt it?

No, love is that part of you which you will always love, that only part which you will respect in yourself

Love happens when that person pulls your center with a centrifugal force, out on the surface,
You are spilling all over, you are too much to bear, your aura has taken a different colour overnight
And universe is so happy with your "muchness"

Your edges are scathed and sparkle,
In fights and in banal talks, you feel the whole of you

Unlike some people, for whom love is just running away from themselves.Who try to negate every bit of you, who pick ulterior motive in all that you do or say, whose inadequacy starts showing up in you, whose bitterness spills all over you..such people are in-capable of loving, cos their own complexes will never let them love anyone

Sometimes I wonder if its the strong ones who have to bear the cacophony of the weak? Sometimes the strength that you exhibit, can be taken against you, to wear you down. So much that you start condemning your own strength.Just cos, they can not get to the core of you(but keep telling you that you dont have a core and they have you all figured out!)

You can become the same with them, and then its a spiral downwards. The next person you are with, you will spill your venom on him/her and the chain continues


For those who are ensconced in the grandeur of their own thoughts and believes..

Incidentally love is, and will always be about you, yourself

May each one of you find a valentine, to cherish this year..new or old..but someone your own..so much you

She sells sea shells at the sea shore

"Have we got all the stuff for making sandwiches for tomorrow morning?"

"Should I take 5 dresses for a this 3 days trip?You never know how things go?"

"God am tired of matching accessories with clothes, so I will take all of them and see what goes with what later.."

"Lets carry some booze for the journey, makes the journey easier..how many beers for you?"

How I love such frenzied talks, the night before we embark on a journey..and each time we make the same mistake of over-carrying..but do it again and again..

So I finally did my Pondicherry trip, I have been aiming at, for so many years

I want to store glimpses of it on the blog:

The Stay
I had an amazing sea view room, which would always surprise me when I went to the balcony..to have a view of it while I had tea or breezer:
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Strolling around the beach road is delightful, just by itself..doing nothing..

As I watched the sea waves breaking at the rocky shore, it made me feel as if sea is a passionate lover of the shore
It would come and break itself at the stoic shore, which would stand at its place unmoved
The sea would retreat, only to come back with the same vigor and be broken again...in its steadfast effort to woo the shore

During the day, sea's tranquility would make me feel as if its telling the shore:
"Pleas love me now, I will show you the real me in the night"..and so it does

Maybe its for the shore, or maybe moon is its secret lover...sea never tells
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French Colony
One of my main fascination for this place was its french colony. I found it intriguing that french people stay there as normal residents. I wonder why they chose to, after in 1954 Pondicherry was handed over to India.
Pondicherry is also know as "The French Riviera of the East" (La Côte d'Azur de l'Est).Pondicherry was designed based on the French (originally Dutch) grid pattern and features neat sectors and perpendicular streets. The town is divided into two sections: the French Quarter (Ville Blanche or 'White town') and the Indian quarter (Ville Noire or 'Black Town'). Many streets still retain their French names, and French style villas are a common sight. In the French quarter, the buildings are typically colonial style with long compounds and stately walls

I took pictures of these people, roaming around in bikes, very cool
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Shopping
There is this really pretty store, inside auro ville, for hand printed clothes and home stuff, called "Mira Boutique", where I went little overboard with shopping. It has amazing collection of finest cotton and silk, in both indian and western style, all hand printed. And compared to similar store like "Fabindia", its quite reasonable:
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Eat Outs
I went to a place called "Sat sanga", which people at hotel suggested, for its authentic french food. Apart from me, there was only one another indian crowd. The whole place was full of french people otherwise.
It was fun hearing all that "Je", "Si" around me.

This place had bad service. Was told upfront that we can get a seat, but it wont be before 45 minutes that I can expect food to be served.
Where we sat, the table spread was dirty with food, I asked the waiter to change it. He said there is no change for that, just took that dirty table cloth, threw food aside and put it back, the other way.
Well, if not for all the pain I took in walking from hotel to this place, I would have walked off
But the food compensated for it. Very tasty and very reasonable, at least compared to Bangalore.

There was another place I went to, the next evening, called "Le Club". Very nice ambiance, full of life and service much better
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Aurobindo Asharm
The only word to describe this place is serene. I marvelled at the quiet maintained by one and all inside.
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Cute ones
The paradise beach is the only sand beach in Pondicherry, so people who expect goa kind of experience at the beach, will be disappointed. Dont go to pondicherry for the beach experience.

And there are boats which go to paradise, which closes by 4.30. And back from there by 6. They have just one shack there, with limited variety of food and drinks.
Most placed in Pondicherry close entrance by 4.30, even auro village.

Found some cute kids with me at the beach shack, one of the girls used to beat her chest whenever she cried. I could not help laughing at that..












I loved the other name of Pondicherry, which is Puducherry(It was renamed in 2006). I would chant it many times as it sounds very cute "Puducherry..Puducherry.."

So people, I have achieved at least one of my new year resolves. Please judge yourslef as to how have you guys fared, compared to me :P

Cheers to that..



Lost this anklet to the sea..

I might be glorifying you in my mind, but that was meant to be

We never held hands like usual couples, neither of us were the mushy kinds. But you would go overboard with disgust for couples who did all that, around us. Your face bore such expressions of annoyance in them, if we saw a couple feeding one another with their hands or something like that.
And I could never understand your extreme loathing towards anything which had any semblance to intimacy.Maybe by showing your utter disgust for such things,you were dismissing something soft and sweet inside you.

But when I hummed a song while making tea in the kitchen, you would reduce the volume of TV to hear me. And if even then you could not, you would ask me "क्या गा रही हो? जोर से गाओ ना.." (What are you singing, please sing a little louder)

Did you know I felt so unstitched in front of you after that, a warm feeling would sweep all over me..no one has asked me to sing ever, noone has showed interest in something which is not my forte
Yet I would continue in my low volume, acting nonchalant

You would never call me anything other than my bare first full name, in its most correct way
Never "Sweets" or "Baby"
But You would do it with other women, friends or flirt-buddies, I had heard and seen you doing that, but never with me

I was always the woman beyond words of endearment to you

Other men have used those words on me, from most sublime to most obnoxious
But noone ever called my name the way you did..it still rings in my ears sometimes and makes me feel whole

But when we spoke to each other, we never knew which words are to be emphasized, where do the punctuations lie...
Our words just flew around when we were together
Spilling...from me to you and you to me
In its inarticulate form , in its uncouth raw form

I never knew what you liked about my face, or if you found me pretty. Men have had exotic words for my eyes, lips, hair and body..but never you


But then you would sometimes say something like this offhandedly: "Where is that black top of yours? The one you wore last Friday and your hair was swept back tightly in a ponytail. Dint see you wearing it after that?"


You never realized but just there in that moment,you splashed a pretty rainbow in the trajectory of my life. A rainbow I can go and grab anytime.
Why wouldn't that black shirt become my favorite?
I don't tie my hair like that often anymore

We never went thru the stage of infatuation, of dreaminess and flitting glances in a room full of people..we were always where 2 people are, after being comfortable with each other.
The first flush of love gone long past, yet the thirst un-quenched.

Yet when every Thursday, in-spite of all our fights, you would message me "कहीं चलें?" (Shall we go somewhere?). And that would always make me feel all is well with the world, everything is in its place and I can be saved

But I would keep saying "No", though knowing that eventually we will be out on the streets like vagabonds, excavating our past and future

I remember those winters as summers of my life

When you left on 8th October 2004, and we had a spell of no communication for 2 months(though we saw each other daily), you came by my desk and shook my hand, hesitated for a moment as if you wanted me to come along with you somewhere...far away

I dint even look at you, you murmured something, I ignored and you left

Then I blankly stared at the monitor, numb with a feeling of umbilical chord being cut again and again
And I wondered..what is it that you gave me, when you denied me the very nuances of love?

मैं सारी रात कतिया कतिया करून ..
..नचदी फिरूं , टपदी फिरूं, कीली मैं नपदी फिरूं
हद करूं, हद करूं, हद करूं.....
यारा बुल्ले लुटिया करूं , लुटिया करूं, लुटिया करूं
मैनूं डर हुन नइयो जगदा , तेरे लिए हुन जीयु ते मरूं

(I will spin your cotton..I will do anything for you
the whole night
I keep jumping, dancing
I nab the sticks
I reach the limits, the limits
Beloved, I am enjoying myself
I am not afraid anymore of the world
I will live and die for you)

This song and this scene irrevocably reminds me of my days with you

Though I never kept my head on your shoulders, or held you from behind...and you always had that grievance with me



I dont know how many sat behind your bike after me, how many kept their heads on your shoulder, but I do know one thing, with gut wrenching certainty, that you would look for me in each one of them..as I keep doing that..and tuck you inside my heart, like a sweet dish which is to be relished till everything else is gone long away

I might be glorifying you in my mind, but that was meant to be...

I dont know if I believe in God

Cos when I hear or read people who talk of God, there is either too much of agony or too much or ecstasy

I dont feel either..
Do I feel serenity? I dont know..
But I do know I am not a disbeliever
I am not an atheist..cos such terms only define what one wishes to define about oneself

So sometimes my faith in God, in moderation, leaves me bewildered as to what do I expect from him/her?

Oh these fathers..I tell you!

A question to all you women, whether you also have experienced this one thing, which is very common amongst all young fathers of cute toddlers.
I will explain what that thing is now.

I am very wary of it..

I love kids to an obsessive edge. These sweet looking things, engrossed in their own world, invite you into theirs..and I enter it without abandon
It does not matter whose kid it is, my sister's, or maid's, or complete stranger's I see on the streets

But sometimes it becomes a nuisance. Cos my liking is pretty vocal and I go out of my way at times, which can lead to unwanted repercussions.

For example, when you try to ogle at a cute one in a mall, without knowing that you are giving the young father(who might be carrying the child) this feeling that you might be ogling at him. And they would start petting their kid, like a show business, to maybe gain your attention

If you see a child alone in a park and try to sweet-chat him/her, the father will suddenly develop extreme fondness for his kid at the same time and in the disguise of love for his own child, would try to start some small talk with you(provided wife is not in sight, or even if she is, this is such a harmless act, isn't it?)

So many a times I check myself before I go overboard with my emotions.

The floor where I live in my apartment, has kids, between the age group of 2-10, in each house, except mine. I usually dont mix much with anyone there, as for most part of the day I am not home. Another thing why I dont mix is cos a single woman is seen as a threat by many married women, so I try avoiding any such animosity and keep to myself.

There is this extremely cuddly 2 year old, and one day when I came out of my flat to go for work, I saw him playing with a ball near my door. I also noticed that his house door, which was straight down the alley from my door, was open and his father was sitting there watching him.

So I just moved towards the lift, without pulling his cheeks, which I felt like.
But I hid behind the wall to see this kid's adorable antics.

He was kicking the ball with his legs, and then getting baffled at how the ball moved away and then running behind it. Each time he came close to the ball, his feet would somehow kick it, and ball would go rolling, and the kid would run behind it with a bewildered and frustrated face, as he was trying to catch the ball.

At one point, the kid looked so deliciously sweet that I forgot the father was watching him from his door and came out of my hiding place to play with the kid.

And lo and behold, this act of mine was like a trigger or stimuli for the father. Seeing me, he got up from his seat and started moving towards the kid.

I had couple of seconds to think of my next move, before the father reached me and the kid.
I stood transfixed for a moment.
There was a tug of war between my liking for the kid and my distaste for the unnecessary interaction with the father(which I anticipated based on my experience).

But my distaste won, I did an about turn, and without waiting for the lift to reach, ran down the stairs.

Marriage...

...is just a decision

Not driven by love, or passion
But just a desire to bring sanity to waywardness of your being

To bring equilibrium in the world, which might go haywire cos of your wanderings

Your scavenger heart would try to feed on innocent preys, Seeking, prodding, validating
Marriage might formalize a prey for you to do that

Both heart and mind needs to be hushed at times, this is what yoga has taught me
To attain balance..

So I will let this thought drive me henceforth, in any of my decisions

With just this hope :
           That my heart will remember to breathe,
           Undulate on its own momentum and beat
           ...Look for you in the mundane and extraordinary
           Keep a wish alive and throbbing, every day
           Hold on feverishly to a part of me, to that woman of desires
           Irrespective of a life, which is meant to happen